Monday, October 17, 2005

Austin Humorist, John Kelso, pipes in on "Where did you have your last drink?"

So a Sixth Street bar called The Chuggin' Monkey finished fourth among Austin bars when police asked suspected drunken drivers where they had their last drink.
This is a testimony to the lack of creative thinking among Austin's drunk community.
Tell me this much. What kind of a genius would admit to a cop that he'd just been sucking down suds at a place called the Chuggin' Monkey? Why would you say that out loud to a cop? Was the Pukin' Gorilla closed? How about the Vomiting Giraffe?
Hey, man, do yourself a favor next time you get pulled over and come up with a better story than that. If you tell a cop you've gotten sauced at a place called the Chuggin' Monkey, pal, you're goin' down. You may as well just lay on the ground and spread 'em.
Next time, be creative and tell the cop you've been drinking at the Headliners Club, or some swank place the cop might figure means you have an I.Q. and a job.
Say something like, "I've been drinking at the Hyatt with the mayor. Don't you know who I am?" And they'll Taser your butt anyway. But it sounds good.
Anyway, under a new program called Operation Last Call, Austin cops ask drivers they suspect
of being loaded where they had their last drink.
For starters, this is the wrong question to ask. The right question to ask would be, "Where did you have your first nine drinks?"
In a list compiled by the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, the Dallas Nightclub led the league with 40 people admitting they had their last drink there. Dallas had a distinct home field advantage over the Chuggin' Monkey, since its capacity is 885 patrons and the Chuggin' Monkey will only hold 199 drunks.
This means regulars at the Chuggin' Monkey would have to get nearly five times as drunk just to keep up.
The tiny Cool River Cafe finished a surprising second at 27. I'm not sure I believe this statistic. How do we know that the people who were drinking at the Blind Pig Pub (No. 28 on the list) weren't lying and telling the cops that they were drinking at Cool River, to make themselves sound sophisticated?
Ever notice how the real bars like the Poodle Dog Lounge, the Horseshoe Lounge and Red's Scoot Inn never make these drunk lists? Pretty much all the bars on this list are amateur establishments.
The reason real bars don't make the cut is that the clientele are pros who know the side roads to take home to avoid the cops. Besides, a lot of these people have junker cars that won't start when they try to leave the bar. And they are too drunk to operate jumper cables.
It's tough to get busted for DWI when you're passed out on the hood.